Baritone News Network

secret message

2010-02-17T11:38:00.003-05:00

this is so new york

2009-10-06T16:44:00.002-04:00

For those of you that rely on this blog to get information about me, and I hope that is none of you, I'm still alive. I have two kids now. Time flies, don't it? By the way, you have to watch this video. I kid you not, things like this happen in NYC all the time.

live footage

2009-06-17T22:28:00.001-04:00

This is live footage shot of me performing in the corporate show The Three Waiters, shot by someone in the audience.

why youtube might be better than tv

2009-04-15T08:58:00.003-04:00

This is classic.

trimmed the fat

2009-02-09T21:50:00.004-05:00

So, I got to looking around here and thought, I wouldn't want to read most of this stuff, and I wrote it! So, I went in with a sharp machete and performed some surgery. What is left are things that I am willing to admit that I somewhat like. From now on, if I have any pertinent personal news I will post it at the top of this page and will delete it when it no longer remains pertinent. The rest of what can be found through this site is mostly true autobiographical and less drivily than before.

NEWS ITEM #1: I am now on Twitter.
NEWS ITEM #2: Barichrome is now black and it's beautiful.

jack knife

2008-08-30T15:03:00.007-04:00

I took a picture of this guy right after I did a site inspection the day before an event at which I was going to perform. The next day when I went down to the same hotel, I noticed the same guy in a slightly different spot, but exactly the same position.

photo "published"

2008-05-15T20:21:00.005-04:00

One of my photos from Barichrome that is also on my Flickr stream was featured on Gothamist.

Vincent Bradley Wilson

2007-11-26T00:12:00.000-05:00

He was born at 11:50am, November 24th. He weighed 7 lbs, 13 oz. He and Sandy are doing great. I'm sure this site will soon turn into News About Vinny. Pictures to follow, I'm quite sure, over here.

i was rejected by coffee idol

2007-03-25T09:20:00.000-04:00

Chock Full O Nuts had a contest to help choose a new singer for their famous jingle. I entered the contest and thought I had done a pretty good job, especially after hearing the other entrants the first week. However, the powers that be apparently have rejected me before America had the chance to vote and make me the next barista belter.

Click below to listen to my song. It sounds like it was recorded by a whole group of people, but I did all the voices. It was fun, even if I was totally robbed by a mammoth multi-national corporation.

A choir of Brads Sing the Chock Full O Nuts Jingle.

Click here to see pictures I took at the recording session.

dueling adjectives

2006-08-13T09:38:00.000-04:00

Last night, while listening to an infomercial I heard the host effusively say, "Wouldn't it feel good to feel great?" That made me feel dizzy.

Unrelated: Three pictures

inefficient writing

2006-07-24T19:35:00.000-04:00

I started writing an entry this weekend where I dealt humorously with a certain characteristic of people that are in my profession. It was getting quite long and it was then I realized this was due to my trying to explain why I'm not exactly like these same people. The problem is, though I'm ashamed of it, I am like these same people more than I would like to admit (if not exactly). I edited it down to truthfulness and found that it had become so short as to not be worth putting up at all. So I just put up this picture.

what am i thinking

2006-07-15T21:34:00.000-04:00

I made up another joke even more moronic than the other one. To force myself to produce something of quality for this site, I'm going to post it. The shame that I feel will act as a motivator to my creative juices.

Doctor #1: I've cut myself badly. It is clear that I'll meet an untimely end if I do not stem the massive crimson tide that is my blood.

Doctor #2: I would be happy to stitch that up for you, seeing how you are going into convulsions and have begun to foam at the mouth.

Doctor #1: No thanks, I'm a bit of a loner, and feel that this is something that I must do alone.

Doctor #2: *Suture self.*

*As with all my other incredibly stupid jokes, you have to highlight between the asterisks to receive your "reward."

my television debut

2006-06-06T13:31:00.000-04:00

I grew up in a small city, one small enough that they announce the cafeteria lunch menus of local schools on the radio as a public service. It was large enough to have a television station, and to this day they insist on having Local News at 11, complete with all the high school sports highlights. And at least one year, they had the area school choirs perform Christmas concerts on live television. This is the story of my TV debut, a tale so traumatizing it doubtless would have killed any desire within me to ever become a singer if I had wanted to become one at the time.

I went to a small Christian School. My choir participation was forced, for a time by my parents, but I also seem to remember it being tied one's ability to play sports as well. Either way, the only proper attitude for a boy in my school to have was to hate choir (whether you actually did or not) and make the best of it by showing off for the girls whenever the Director wasn't looking your direction.

Which brings me to the music Director of my first televised performance. I think that directing our school choir must have been pretty stressful, because I can remember a few of them came and went during the time I was in there. I can't remember the name of the Director in this story, but her image is burned into my mind to this very day. She was pleasantly plump, sported a large permanent wave, and had the habit of wearing dark, slightly-too-tight paisley patterned dresses. These dresses unfortunately showcased her overactive sweat glands as the stains under each arm grew larger and larger during our performances.

We arrived on Television Hill and crammed our hot, polyester clothed bodies into the WHIZ studio. We were all understandably nervous as was the custom in the town in which I grew up. It was an expected character trait of all citizens that they shun the limelight at all costs; every public compliment was expected to be met with vigorous blushing and embarrassed protests.

We had prepared a Christmas Cantata, and it was a doozy. It felt like it took about 2 hours to perform. I had the embarrassing lot of being put on the front row, a by-product of my miniature size at the time, and I was very conscious of the fact that my knees were shaking throughout the performance. During commercial breaks I would think that I had gotten the situation under control, only to fall victim to a new outbreak of the shakes when the light on the TV camera came back on. I decided to take drastic measures and lock my knees.

Locking ones knees was a cardinal sin in our choir. Next to messing around with your tie or stomping on the riser there was nothing worse you could do. "If you lock your knees, you'll pass out" was an oft heard quote, spoken in the same tone of voice as, "You'll shoot your eyes out!"

But, desperate times called for disparate measures. I locked my knees resolutely and focused my energies on getting through the last third of the cantata. I was doing pretty well until I noticed colorful little dots around the edges of my vision. They were fascinating for awhile until I noticed that they were increasingly intruding on my sight lines. In fact, in a short while they began to advance in earnest on my Choir Director. I began to panic and in a effort to distract I forced myself to concentrate on the humor derived from my Director's sweaty pits, but nothing worked. The last thing I remember was my entire field of vision being a rainbow of blinking lights, with my Directors smiling face in the center, desperately trying to demonstrate how we should emote.

The next thing I remember is one of the mothers dragging me across the floor past the TV camera.

The fallout was pretty intense. I heard the lectures about knee locking, and also had to endure the results of a new invention: the Beta Video tape. This forced me to watch myself sway and collapse many a time thanks to the handy rewind feature. At the time, I secretly wished for the destruction of that tape, though now I would treasure a copy if I could find one.

superpowers

2006-05-29T01:31:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I went see X-Men. After the movie, one of our group indicated that if he could have a superpower he would prefer to be able to shoot chocolate pudding out of his nose. He later amended his wish to be chocolate pudding out of one side and tapioca out of the other. His theory was that after a long day of crime fighting all the other superheros might enjoy a snack. At that point the conversation devolved into a discussion about snot and nose hairs and other things that one could potentially find in pudding that was shot out of a superhero's nose. We finally concluded that the massive force and volume of pudding that could be generated by one endued with superpowers would probably also eradicate any nose hairs or snot residue.

movie quote / real life

2006-05-20T16:26:00.000-04:00

I was sitting in my hotel room watching a movie. In this movie, a nun sitting on a bus said, "We just passed Travers City."

The crazy thing was... (wait for it)...

I was in Travers City at that very moment! DUHN, Duhn, duhhhhnn!!!

my dad kissed a pig

2006-05-17T11:19:00.000-04:00

My Dad does a lot of creative things at his school to motivate his students to improve their grades and achievement test scores. I think one time he let them bury him in shaving cream when they had reached a yearly goal.

But what he does is much more than funny stunts things to reward kids for doing well in school. He has developed a program called the Power of S.M.A.R.T. which helps students clearly see their improvement so they can feel a sense of achievement and allows the teachers to track the effect their teaching has on how well kids do on their tests. After the kids are done with a test, the teachers get immediate feedback as to what concepts seemed to be a problem for most of the students, and that shows them areas of their teaching that isn't hitting home and can be improved.

The students improvement since he started doing this program is incredible and the program isn't expensive to implement in schools. Anyone in the government listening?

blatant wasting

2006-05-11T22:50:00.001-04:00

Funniest thing happened yesterday at LaGuardia. As I struggled to open the little tubs of half & half for my coffee, this professionally dressed young many sidled up to the trash can and started fishing through his pockets. Once he had extracted all his change, he carefully separated and threw away any coin worth less than a quarter. After finishing that, he reached in his other pocket and drew out a brand new pack of Tic-Tacs. He unsealed them, popped three or four of into his mouth, and then disposed of the rest of the container in the bin!

overheard in 10 seconds

2006-04-11T16:20:00.000-04:00

Two loud and odd questions heard in a 10 ft stretch of Broadway today

From an ulta-skinny guy wearing purposefully patchwork clothing of high fashion aspiration (shouting into a cell phone): "Well... have you ever thought about the... PARROT?!"
From a homeless guy with cart overflowing (while banging on the back of a phone booth): "ENCHANTMENT! EN-CHANT-MENT!! Anyone ever heard of that?!!"

i'm on amazon

2006-04-08T15:24:00.000-04:00

I haven't mentioned it, but I've sung on 4 commercially available recordings. But anyway, a chance meeting with an old friend caused me to look on Amazon for a cast recording of an album in which I played a role. When I looked at it more closely I noticed I'm the only performer with a name listed - HA! Maybe I benefited from an alphabetical listing?

Click the image if you want. The album I'm talking about is the second one down.

oh, the horror of it all

2006-03-24T18:58:00.000-05:00

I think we can all agree that packing materials can be scary substances. Maybe not as scary as mannequins or Rip Taylor, but scary nonetheless. Nothing, however, approaches the terror of the night that Styrofoam came to life! Muuwahahahahahhaaah!!

It happened on this wise. I had just crested the hill where 231st meets Kingsbridge and I was immediately buffeted by a wind that was both violent in force and full of stinging particles. The pressure was XLerator-like in its intensity.

I began walking down the hill, opposite a shopping center that features among other things my favorite little store, Kalinka. Out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw a man staggering on the edge of the curb across the street. Just as I turned, he fell into the oncoming path of a truck! Kabloom!! He exploded into a mass of white chunks and scattered across the two lanes. It was then I realized he was not a man, but a massive block of Styrofoam™. Then, falling like trees, the remaining 6 foot towers crashed in the street. It was a strange sort of carnage as each one was obliterated by oncoming traffic.

My nerves were a bit twitchy as I continued my walk home. About the time that I got to the dress shop owned by the insane Asian woman I was startled by a couple of packing peanuts that rounded the corner by the Veterinary hospital. They looked at me for a second, and then started running toward me, followed by about 1 million of their minions. It was truly terrifying and reminded me of an army of very tiny rabbits hopping madly in unison. Then I looked around and saw that the entire block was full of them, tiny little blobs of white running around in perfect unison up and down 231st St. Weaker willed men might have soiled their pants, like my friend David when he thought he saw a bear in Canada when we were kids, but not me. No sir. Where the living dead packing peanuts went after that, I'll never know, but I made it home, panting and relieved to be alive.

on allergies, sneezing, and placebos

2006-03-18T17:11:00.000-05:00

In order to bounce the lame post about hand dryers from the top of this site I've decided to publicly discuss my struggle with seasonal allergies.

In keeping with my tradition of late blooming, I developed allergies after age 16. No foods, thankfully, but many airborne plant substances cause me to collapse into a fit of sneezing. A particularly vicious pine pollen attack effected my record of 11 sneezes achieved in 1991.

Nothing is more embarrassing to me than shooting a handful of snot into my outstretched hand or onto a friends lapel. Because of this I developed a singular sneezing technique that allows me to minimize the volume of germy gelatinous projectiles. To describe the technique would be pushing the threshold of boring, but suffice it to say that my sneezes sound an awful lot like coughs.

Why don't I go to the allergist? I used to, but during my twenties when I didn't have insurance I decided to stop going and was surprised to find that my symptoms were no worse for it. In fact, I avoid taking over the counter medications unless absolutely necessary, due to my phobia of becoming dependant on anything.

Recently I believe I have become the victim of the reverse placebo affect*, as I was told by someone that Claritin is barely more effective than a placebo in blind tests. Since I heard that news Claritin won't make a dent in my sternutation.

*the term reverse placebo affect is copyright of BNN - Baritone News Network 2006. All rights reserved. Failure to pay BNN at least a million bucks for even verbalizing this phrase will result in a large glob of gooey green mucous being lobbed in your general direction.

endorsement

2006-03-17T08:01:00.000-05:00

My disdain for bathroom hand-dryers is well documented. Because of this I was quite surprised to find one that actually works! The only place I've ever found these has been at JFK, but I'm pleased enough with this product to give it BNN's first product endorcement. The XLERATOR should be installed in every public restroom in America. The gale force winds it generated almost sprained my wrists.

the original perfect hamburger

2006-03-12T22:21:00.000-05:00

The sign said The Original Perfect Hamburger. This piqued my attention as I am a lover of hamburgers, especially flawless ones. Inspired by the gusty name choice, I decided to give them a try for lunch.

As my eyes adjusted to the interior light I began to notice an abundance of red vinyl, red plastic poinsettias, and red painted surfaces. Then I saw plates of oranges stacked about and paper lamps hanging from little trees growing in pots on the counter. It was then that I looked more closely at the counter sign and noticed that the complete name of this restaurant was The Original Perfect Hamburger – American and Chinese Food.

As I contemplated this incongruity I was greeted by a short, stoic Asian man. He ushered me to a table whose surface covered with yet more poinsettias. Tinny string instruments accompanying a tuneless warbling soprano played on the stereo as I studied the menu and considered whether I should select a cheeseburger or chow mein.

About that time another customer entered. He had extremely large feet for his size, an impression compounded by the fact that he had 3 inch rubber orthopedic additions fused to his heels. He had just been to the drug store and had with him a plastic bag brimming with prescriptions. He took full advantage of the flexible bill of fare by ordering a grilled cheese sandwich on wheat ("use the white cheese") and then a variety of Chinese dishes, all while bemoaning the fact that they didn't serve tofu.

Ultimately I tried to straddle both culinary schools, ordering a Teriyaki cheeseburger with sautéed onions, a clumsy attempt at Asian fusion. My verdict: tasty, but claims of perfection may be overstated. When you are next in San Francisco I suggest you go down to Geary Street and have one with a side order of mixed vegetables.

soy norteamericano

2006-03-07T08:37:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I happily eclipsed a personal milestone - I finally went to Mexico. In fact, until just a couple of years ago I'd never even been to Canada, which is odd considering I grew up in a state just across lake Erie.

Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed struggling to communicate, trying different very rich foods, people watching, and singing at a wedding. The private home at which we performed was amazingly designed and sat on a property filled with interesting features that I don't have time to completely describe. The father of the bride had at least three peacocks that he kept as pets. They usually had the run of his property, but during all the hubbub they could only find peace by staying up on the roof of the house. Quite a sight to see a peacock strutting around up there with his plumage on full display; it reminded me of a living satellite dish. I can't remember what the Spanish word for peacock is, but it's roughly translated "royal turkey". I like that.

I was dismayed on the way home to discover that the two movies I had brought to watch on my laptop were not playable. Ladykillers had arrived in two pieces, and War of the Shaolin Temple was in the War of the Worlds envelope. Weird, huh? Blockbuster Online had better get its act together.

Kind of off subject: You may be wondering why I was singing at a wedding in Mexico. I don't talk much about my job, but if you are curious you can visit this site. I'm the General Manager of the U.S. office.

overheard in the east village

2006-02-26T21:53:00.000-05:00

While lugging my suitcase from a falafel joint toward the subway I passed a group of 40-somethings that were desperate to cling to their youths amid the hipster tide that was washing over them.

One man to the others: "I OD'd once in a beauty shop. If it's white and it's on the table, I'm sniffin' it!"

Sad, on several levels.